Lost
by Syncop8ed Rhythm
Summary: "It's not real, Sammy," his brother pleaded, and Sam wished he could believe him, wished he could believe he was free. But wishes don't come true, not in Hell. "I'm sorry," he whispered, resting the knife against his brother's chest, "but it is."


AN: A (late) tag for Repo Man. I planned on posting this before the next new episode aired, honest…but real life got busy. As such, you could probably say it's a tad AU. I hope you don't mind my late musings on what could have happened next. :)

* * *

_The devil tempts us not—'tis_ _we tempt him,_

_Beckoning his skill with opportunity._

_-George Eliot_

The thing about Hell, Sam mused, was that there was always a new low to reach. Whenever he thought he couldn't possibly be in any more pain physically or mentally, or that Lucifer had run out of ways to torture him, he was proven to be so very, very wrong.

He swept his eyes across the tools Lucifer had left on the table, shying away from the larger, more wicked-looking weapons and focusing on the small knife closest to him.

He didn't want to do this, but he had ceased to have a real choice in matters the day he let Lucifer out of the Cage. Everything he did now, every decision he made and everything he suffered through, was shaded with his need to repent, to make things _right. _He hated that doing something right had been twisted to include this, but really, it _was_ better than the alternative.

His hand hovered over the knife, his head tilting in consideration. It would do.

A soft groan warned him his brother would wake soon, and he picked up the knife, turning it over and over in his hands as he waited.

"Sam?" Adam called out uncertainly, squinting up at his brother. He tried to shift to his side and frowned when he found himself unable to move. He tugged his arms, his gaze travelling slowly away from Sam to the chains that bound him to the rack, his whole body growing still as he stared in shock.

Sam could understand the confusion. He'd had strong hallucinations before of…of being in a graveyard, face tilted up to the sun, a gentle breeze caressing his face and the warm weight of his brother's eyes on him. He could lose himself so completely in the last moments of his freedom that it was jarring to wake from those dreams.

He used to wonder why the devil allowed the hallucinations, but the sick smile Lucifer gave him after one of those episodes had answered his question. It was yet another form of torture to be torn from those dreams and find himself back on the rack, the devil standing over him.

"Sam. What…what are you doing?"

"Do it, Sammy. Or I will," Lucifer whispered as he leaned over Sam's shoulder. "You don't want me to hurt your brother, do you?"

Sam shook his head as he turned to meet Lucifer's gaze. "No. Please…no."

"Then by all means, begin."

"Sammy, I need you to let me go, man."

Sam turned his attention back to Adam and he lifted the knife in his trembling hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Sorry that this time, to protect his brother, he would have to be the one to torture him. Sorry that Lucifer had offered to hand over the reins, to let Sam take over the devil's next date with Adam, and Sam had agreed. Agreed, because Adam needed a break, and by taking Lucifer's place, Sam could give that to him. Sorry that Adam was still suffering, even if this task was meant to break Sam even further. Sorry, sorry, _sorry_.

Adam twisted against the bonds, fighting desperately to free himself. "Sammy, it's not real. _It's not real! _You've got to snap out of it!"

Sam cried out against the lash of the whip on his back, staggering forward with the blow.

"Do it, or I will!" Lucifer ordered.

"Sammy, you're okay. _You're okay! _I promise; you're safe now."

He didn't want to do this. He didn't. But it was the only way to spare Adam from Lucifer's touch, for just a few hours. And here, in this place, a few hours could feel like a hundred years.

He would know.

"Sammy, please. It's not real!"

He looked into his brother's eyes again, silently expressing his apology, his horror, his regret, his _fear_. This time, this was the only way to protect his brother.

"No! Sam!"

Adam's voice cut off as Sam put pressure on the knife. Blood slowly welled up and filled the edges of the gash before trailing down his chest in a macabre image that made Sam shiver. It didn't matter how many times he saw his brother's blood, it always made him sick, always made him feel like a failure. Adam should never have been in the Cage with him. Sam had made the sacrifice he had to atone for his sins and make everyone else safe. He had never meant to condemn his brother.

A glance back up at Adam's face showed him clenching his eyes shut, his mouth twisting as he refused to shout.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to do this," Sam whispered.

"Sam, you gotta listen to me. This isn't real. Whatever you're seeing, it isn't real!" The shaky voice pleaded, and the sound of his brother in pain was so _normal_ that Sam's chest ached.

He wished the sound of his brother's agony wasn't something he was intimately familiar with, wished that it wasn't something he would hear every hour for the rest of eternity; but most of all, he wished this wasn't real. "But it is," he gently refuted Adam's exclamation, shutting out his own foolish dreams at the same time. Thinking otherwise would only make their reality even more excruciatingly painful.

The whip landed against the back of his legs this time and he fell to his knees, biting his lip against the harsh cry that threatened to break free.

"Shut him up, Sammy."

"No. No, it's okay. I don't mind," he insisted. The silence that followed made him cringe. He had just disobeyed Lucifer. Bad things happened when he disobeyed the devil. Very, very bad.

"I'm sorry. Did that sound like a suggestion, Sam?" The voice was cold, emotionless, and the fear that had been his constant companion for the last hundred or so years overwhelmed him yet again, leaving him trembling in its wake. The flatter the devil's voice, Sam knew, the more creative he would be. As such, it wasn't bravery that kept him from following the order now, but fear of the devil's retaliation that held him still.

Long seconds passed while Sam waited, the anticipation almost as bad as anything the devil would come up with.

"Sammy?"

Sam jerked at his brother's call and quickly reached for a scrap of fabric. He needed to muffle Adam before the devil decided to take matters into his own hands. Sam had gone too far to let that happen. Adam was safe from the devil. This time.

"No! Sammy, don't! It's me, Sammy! Don't!" His brother gasped, twisting his head away from Sam as he tried to wrap the fabric around his mouth.

"It's okay," Sam soothed, running a shaking hand through his brother's hair after he finished tying the knot. "It's okay," he repeated, slowly reaching for the knife.

"Sometime this century, Sammy," Lucifer taunted, tapping his foot impatiently.

"It'll be okay," Sam promised his brother as he steadied the knife over his body.

…

The knife slid into Adam's shoulder and he groaned, his body collapsing limply against the rack as he gave in to the exhaustion and pain. He had fought hard, leaving bloody marks around his wrists and ankles that bothered Sam just as much as the wounds he himself had created. After all, his brother had been fighting to get away from _him. _

Lucifer had talked him through the motions the whole time, proudly smiling at his pupil's aptitude. Sam had followed each and every one of the devil's instructions and he had to admit, he was relieved. The damage could have been worse. Much, _much_ worse.

He pulled the knife free gently, carefully, his mouth twisting in sympathy as Adam shivered. The pleading eyes that had been fastened on him for the last few hours slowly drifted closed and Sam shut his own in response, ashamed. What had he done? How far had he broken to agree to this awful deal? What had he become that he would consider hurting an innocent an act of charity?

"Wake him up and finish this," Lucifer said, crossing his arms on the back of the chair he straddled.

"I don't…I…please. I can't," Sam pleaded. All of the sessions ended with death, he knew that, but he just…he _couldn't _do it…he _couldn't._ Sam shook his head, his heart stuttering in fear as the devil laid a hand on his arm.

"Wake him up and finish it, Sam, or I will…after I have a little fun myself," he said, wiggling his eyebrows at the prospect.

Sam's shoulders slumped in defeat. The whole reason he had agreed to do this was to spare his brother a little time with the devil. He couldn't give in now. At least by his hand, Adam's death would be merciful, instead of the cruel amusement Lucifer would subject him to. He carefully unfastened the gag, his face creasing in sorrow at what he had to do. He brushed his hand against his brother's face, suddenly furious when he saw the devil reach for his brother. He knocked the hand away with a snarled "I've got it," curling over Adam in a meager attempt to protect him.

"Ooh, you're just full of surprises today, Sammy! I like this. Keeps me on my toes," Lucifer exclaimed. He lifted his hands in mocking supplication at Sam's glare. "Fine," he pouted. "I'll keep my hands to myself. For now."

Sam cast one last wary look at the devil before he turned back to Adam. "Hey." He clasped the back of Adam's neck, hoping the younger man wasn't too far gone to miss the comforting gesture. It wasn't enough, but it was all Sam could give.

Adam's eyes finally opened, his hazy disorientation fading away as he slowly focused on Sam. His lips tilted up in a fond smile, and Sam drew back in surprise.

"Sammy…"

Sam froze. That…that didn't make any sense. The voice had grown deeper, hoarser, throughout the session; but that wasn't what made his heart stop. It was the emotion he could hear in the voice, a mixture of love and pride that did not exist in the Cage, _could not _exist in the Cage, because it belonged to Dean. The _real_ Dean, not the fake Dean Lucifer had created before. It had never been heard in the Cage because it didn't _belong_ there. It made no sense for Sam to suddenly hear it now, not _here _and not from Adam.

Unless…unless Lucifer was making him hear that.

Sam dropped his chin to his chest, his eyes sliding shut in resignation. Lucifer had finally perfected it, the unique timbre of Dean's voice that often betrayed the emotions he was so reluctant to share. Just hearing that sound now had brought back all of his memories of Dean, ripe for Lucifer to twist and contaminate and _steal_ from him. How awful to remember love so clearly only to realize he would never see his brother again, not for eternity; to realize that Lucifer was going to make a mockery of yet another thing that Sam held sacred.

For a moment, it wasn't Adam that he saw, but Dean. It was Dean he had chained to the rack and tortured, and Sam couldn't breathe.

"Finish it," Lucifer hissed, and Dean was gone, leaving Adam's bloody form.

Sam cried out at the loss, feeling as though his heart had been torn from his chest. Not in the crude way the devil did it, but as though everything that made him _Sam_ before his fall into the Cage, everything that made him _good,_ his heart, his _soul, Dean, _had been returned to him in one instant, only to be savagely ripped from him in the next.

He missed his brother, so much. More than a hundred years in the Cage and he still tried to cling to his memories of Dean. They were harder to remember now, after all this time, but it was still Dean's presence he searched for and Dean's name he cried out when he was lost in the devil's grasp.

"Now!" Lucifer yelled, and even the flames responded, roaring higher, brighter, hotter.

Sam flinched, his breath coming in sharp pants as he cowered away from the fallen angel. _Dean, Dean, Dean. Please._

"Now," Lucifer repeated, voice suddenly gentle, kind, as he rested his hand on Sam's shoulder.

Sam nodded slowly and straightened, watching Lucifer out of the corner of his eye as he placed the tip of the knife over his brother's heart. His whole body was trembling from the image he had just seen and he clamped his fingers around the weapon even tighter. He didn't want to do this, he didn't, _he didn't. _But at least if he did, then Adam would return, healthy and unharmed…fresh for the next session. But for a brief moment, at least he would be whole again.

"Do it now, Sammy," the devil purred.

This was his last chance. If he disobeyed one more time or hesitated for another second, he knew he would be severely punished, that he would be pushed aside and forced to watch as Lucifer took over the session. He blinked away tears as he met his brother's eyes one last time, trying, without words, to let Adam know he wasn't alone.

Adam was still smiling at Sam, even though he knew what was going to happen.

"Sammy…I…forgive you."

Adam was gone again and Dean was there. His smile grew, crinkling the corners of his eyes as he looked up at Sam. There was no hint of anger or fear in his expression, only the same emotions Sam had heard hidden in his brother's voice just a few moments before.

They had always been able to read each other like that. Their connection had been such that they had always been able to tell what the other was thinking or feeling with just a single word or a quick look. Before his jump into the Cage, that relationship had been strained. They'd been off balance, working hard to heal a rift that had formed from Hell and betrayal. Ever since he'd returned and gotten his soul back, though, he and Dean were…were…

Sam drew in a quick breath, his head snapping up to look at the devil, who rolled his eyes. "Took you long enough, Sammy," he said, his image wavering in and out of focus.

The knife slipped from his numb grasp, clattering to the floor as the Cage flickered in and out with Lucifer, leaving a run-down motel room in its place. He fell to his knees, blinded by the pain in his head as he fought to make sense of what was really happening.

"S'mmy…?"

_No…_

He couldn't answer whichever brother it was that called for him, Adam _or_ Dean, held mute as the faint stirrings of hope clashed with unyielding denial. It couldn't be. He was in the Cage. _He was in the Cage. _

Wasn't he?

He slumped to the side, his arms too weak to support him.

"S'mmy? Sammy!"

Sam curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his head as the agony reached its crescendo and the memories rushed back. All of the time since he'd been freed, all of the time he'd spent with Dean, even the words Lucifer had spoken before Sam had lost himself in the hallucination.

"_You let me in…"_

Dean. It was…it was Dean? _No…no!_ _What had he done?_ He scrambled to his knees, panicking at the sight of his brother that greeted him. The brother he had tied to the bed and tortured. The brother that had forgiven him for the pain he had caused and the murder he'd been about to commit.

The brother who was staring at him in concern, muttering pain-slurred reassurances in a voice that was hoarse from yelling.

His brother.

Dean.

"Dean."

The smile Dean gave him was blinding, even as he lost the fight to stay awake.

"S'mmy," he sighed, finally passing out.

Sam stretched out a trembling hand to his brother, stopping just short of touching him when he saw the blood. _Dean's_ blood. On _his _hands. "I'm sorry," he whispered, curling his fingers into a tight fist and pulling back. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, _I'm sorry…"_

"_You let me in…"_


End file.
